Well that was probably not a great idea. Not only did I not last even going home (fighting with boyfriend and I eat my feelings) but I also have so many dinner plans this weekend that I probably shouldn't fast right now. I guess I need to start thinking ahead.
My heart hurts today. Part of me wants to break up with my boyfriend and part of me wants to stay with him. I don't know if there is better out there. I've never found it or seen it. But can this be all there is? He's so immature and childish. I don't think I can do it anymore. I am ready for my own place, near campus, where I can just be with my animals. Why do I need a family and a house right now? Why am I comparing my life to someone else's timeline? Why do I choose these situations and then fight to stay in them? Lord, help me!
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Welcome back?
Well, I guess it's been a while. Guess I put it on the back burner and let it simmer for a few years.
I don't want to recap much-divorce, move to MN, fet community, working at the UMN and going to school there, brother in law overdosed 3 months ago, its just hard sometimes. SSDD.
I'm just going to pick up my life like you already know everything.
I'm thinking of fasting. Like, seriously fasting for weeks on end. Not just for weight loss, but to detox my body. I want to get rid of these toxins, be healthy, and not have the fat be the first thing my body turns into. That donut I had today, yeah, I'm a donut. Well, I had soup last so maybe I'm soup? Or just the round potato cut up into so many pieces that you can't help but find some useful way to store me. Well, I want autophagy. It's the body's natural process of killing off, eating up, or cleaning out bad cell matter that's built up in your body. I should have so much that I'll be able to survive the rest of the year on just water! I want the benefits of a clear mind and time to do things instead of worry about when and what I'm eating. I want to not be sick anymore. I'm tired of having sinus issues and I can't really afford the doctor over and over again, beni card or not. So, its time to take matters into my own chubby hands. Actually, my hands are still pretty thin. Those are one of the things that never really gained weight when everything else ballooned. I want to get deeper into my faith. I want to read the bible everytime I feel a hunger pain. I want to not feel guilty about my ex husband that he left me, but rather he left our situation. It still hurts. I'm done with the hurt and ready to get on with my life. I applied, and was approved, to go to a turtle conservatory in Bali. I was really excited, but now it feels like a pipe dream. Like I should save up first and then pay it all and go. What if I get pregnant? What if I don't lose the weight and am uncomfy the whole time I'm there? Or should I say fuck it and just do it? Why does it always have to be this hard?
Well, we'll see how this goes. I'm going to fast starting now. It is Day 0 at 6:58pm. Its amazing how much food is talked about on fb. Like sharing a recipe will actually make someone use the recipe, instead of show what types of food you like watching being made and will probably never make yourself. That's what pinterest is for! I actually use what I pin on pinterest. Or I try to. Not so much recipes but definately crafts.
Ok, DAY 0: I'll have to remind myself to not have coffee and to drink water. I'm always hungry though. I think I'm starving myself from life and fill it with food instead of living. I already have a headache so I guess I'll have to get used to that over the next few days.
Time to be productive and work on my budget. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Hopefully I'll become as optimistic as I am towards everyone else.
I don't want to recap much-divorce, move to MN, fet community, working at the UMN and going to school there, brother in law overdosed 3 months ago, its just hard sometimes. SSDD.
I'm just going to pick up my life like you already know everything.
I'm thinking of fasting. Like, seriously fasting for weeks on end. Not just for weight loss, but to detox my body. I want to get rid of these toxins, be healthy, and not have the fat be the first thing my body turns into. That donut I had today, yeah, I'm a donut. Well, I had soup last so maybe I'm soup? Or just the round potato cut up into so many pieces that you can't help but find some useful way to store me. Well, I want autophagy. It's the body's natural process of killing off, eating up, or cleaning out bad cell matter that's built up in your body. I should have so much that I'll be able to survive the rest of the year on just water! I want the benefits of a clear mind and time to do things instead of worry about when and what I'm eating. I want to not be sick anymore. I'm tired of having sinus issues and I can't really afford the doctor over and over again, beni card or not. So, its time to take matters into my own chubby hands. Actually, my hands are still pretty thin. Those are one of the things that never really gained weight when everything else ballooned. I want to get deeper into my faith. I want to read the bible everytime I feel a hunger pain. I want to not feel guilty about my ex husband that he left me, but rather he left our situation. It still hurts. I'm done with the hurt and ready to get on with my life. I applied, and was approved, to go to a turtle conservatory in Bali. I was really excited, but now it feels like a pipe dream. Like I should save up first and then pay it all and go. What if I get pregnant? What if I don't lose the weight and am uncomfy the whole time I'm there? Or should I say fuck it and just do it? Why does it always have to be this hard?
Well, we'll see how this goes. I'm going to fast starting now. It is Day 0 at 6:58pm. Its amazing how much food is talked about on fb. Like sharing a recipe will actually make someone use the recipe, instead of show what types of food you like watching being made and will probably never make yourself. That's what pinterest is for! I actually use what I pin on pinterest. Or I try to. Not so much recipes but definately crafts.
Ok, DAY 0: I'll have to remind myself to not have coffee and to drink water. I'm always hungry though. I think I'm starving myself from life and fill it with food instead of living. I already have a headache so I guess I'll have to get used to that over the next few days.
Time to be productive and work on my budget. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Hopefully I'll become as optimistic as I am towards everyone else.
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