Dear Body,
I love you because....well, boobs are nice. Seriously though, I love you because you keep me alive. You provide me with energy, nourishment, oxygen, muscles, and everything else scientific. I love you because you know me, even if my brain doesn't sometimes. You give me signals on what I can and can't handle, so you can live a full life. I love you because you still haven't given up on me. No matter what I force you to process, you still hang in there. I'm sorry, body, that I have treated you so badly. I can tell now that it has put a strain on you. That was not my intention. I promise, out of my love for you, that I will commit to doing better and trying harder.
Body, I love you.
Love,
CJ
Friday, April 20, 2018
Thursday, April 19, 2018
Day 3 emotional eating
Dear Food,
Our relationship sucks, but I'd like to work on it. When I'm stressed, I search you out to stuff my face. I especially enjoy sugar and candy. When I'm doing school, I like to crunch on your chips to keep my mind going. When I'm happy, I treat myself to your comfort food so my body feels as happy as my mind. We have a toxic relationship. Since I can't just give you up, I'd like to work on it. Let's do this together. You have so much to offer and I just need your nurishment to survive. Lets do this!
Sincerely,
CJ
Our relationship sucks, but I'd like to work on it. When I'm stressed, I search you out to stuff my face. I especially enjoy sugar and candy. When I'm doing school, I like to crunch on your chips to keep my mind going. When I'm happy, I treat myself to your comfort food so my body feels as happy as my mind. We have a toxic relationship. Since I can't just give you up, I'd like to work on it. Let's do this together. You have so much to offer and I just need your nurishment to survive. Lets do this!
Sincerely,
CJ
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
Day 2 emotional eating
Today is a little better, or at least I feel happy. I think it's because I feel like I'm finally doing something to be healthy. Now the war is if I stick with it.
Day 2: What do I want out of my life? How do I make sure I get it?
Well, I want to work with animals. I want to finish school. I want to be happy. I want to go to church more. I want to be financially secure and not worry all the time. I want to start a family. I want to rescue animals. I want to be in love, utterly and completely. I want someone to fight for me. I want someone to not give up. I want the hollywood romance. I want to not be depressed every day. I want to exercise and be more active. I want to travel more. I want to write more. I want to take more photos. I want to draw more. I want to play piano more. I want to skydive. I want to have a house with a yard for dogs. I want a craft room. I want to be able to afford it all, or be taken care of financially.
How do I make sure I get it? Well, it's not handed to me, that's for sure. Let's break it down.
I want to work with animals. Okay, so be a vet? That's what I used to want but I can't afford to be a resident. I can try and make it work. Otherwise I just want to work with exotic animals and manage them all day and when something goes wrong, I can just go pet a tiger.
I want to finish school. Working on it. I keep trying to get done sooner, but then take on too much and overwhelm myself and not doing well or dropping courses. Now I have a plan to do 1 hard class, such as all the science courses, and then a fun for me class, such as drawing. I think I'm going to try painting because I was never any good at it except in elementary school when I won an award for it and my painting was displayed in restaurants across the state. I guess maybe I was good at it, but something stopped me. Hmmm......I remember in 3rd or 4th grade Liz Koehler stole my idea of painting what comes to your mind when you hear this one classical piece. I said ice skating elegantly. She painted that, so I drew leaves floating. I guess I got too angry and stopped painting after that. Time to see if I really like it or not. I tried the wine and paint, which was fun, but I was never satisfied with my finished product. I am now and it's in my room. We'll see.
I want to be happy. I have to recognize my triggers and not just with food. I need to recognize my triggers in my brain and turn to God and something positive. It will be hard, but I know I can do it. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am worth it. After growing up thinking I wasn't, it's hard to believe that I am, but now I KNOW that I am. I know I create my own happiness and not to look for it in others, but I'm hoping that my happiness will bring someone I can share happiness with.
I want to go to church more. Okay, this one is like yesterday. GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED! I have the best intentions to go, but the follow through is horrible! It's with everything I do! When I'm home and in bed, I don't want to leave. If I have to go home and get my work out clothes, I won't leave the house again. I don't want to rely on anyone, but if someone isn't there to go with me to church, I will most likely not go. Sure, I'll listen online, but it's not the same. I think its because my mom and sister stopped going when I was in middle school and I only went with my friends. Over time we all just stopped going regularly and it became habit that I should only go to church with friends and family. Its time to change that. I need to wake up earlier on Sundays and sit and pray. Usually when I get in the praise and worship mood, I can keep it up for a while, or long enough to get me to church.
I want to be financially secure and not worry all the time. Debts are being paid off, bankruptcy is almost a year over, and I need to quit spending. I make so much more than when I first started out and I'm still broke AF. Why? I spend to make myself feel better. Well, I'm done with that. Time to get rid of things in my life, and not just material things. Time to get rid of my bad habits, such as buying for happiness. I've started my savings although I used it today to buy dog food, I need to keep a better budget and stick with it. I also need to let my friends and family know that I won't be participating in gift giving this year and to not get me anything. Put $1,000 in savings first, and then keep saving as I go. Having that emg fund will really help and relieves a lot of stress. Now I just need to not use it, or if I do then I need to put the money back.
I want to start a family. I need to lose weight and build my happiness to attract the right person to start a family with. Most importantly, I need to ask God to provide the family that he knows I want and that I know I deserve, or will be deserving.
I want to rescue animals. Not just go to the shelters, but have a room in my house to take care of them over time until they get fostered out. Like Chris Dolbee (Mr. Wonderful) does with rotts. He takes the ones that need medical help and heals them at his place until they are well enough for a forever home. I didn't even know you could do this until I met him. Sigh, he's so wonderful.
I want to be in love, utterly and completely. I want the swooning everytime he's near. I did that to Dolbee and I felt foolish. Everytime he got near to me I couldn't think straight. It got to the point that I would walk away from him as he came closer just so I could talk. I want that again, please, Lord. It doesn't have to be him, because even though he is so incredibly wonderful, he doesn't want kids and I'm pretty sure he's happy with whom he's with. He bought her a bouquet of dragons. Stuffed dragons on stems. That's what I want. Someone like that.
I want someone to fight for me. That will understand my depression and will want to get to know me. Not physical fight, but fight to be part of my life. Court me, make me laugh, hold my hand, play board games with me, and when I push him away, which I'm sure I'll do sometimes, he'll fight to hold me close.
I want someone to not give up. Not give up on us. Ever.
I want the hollywood romance. The run after them in the airport to tell them they love them, the kiss in the rain, the communication of a healthy life with a healthy relationship.
I want to not be depressed every day. See above. Every time I have a thought of hurting myself, I need to change my thoughts to God and positive things. No matter how alone I feel, I know I am not alone and I know that I'm not that bad of a person to be around, so hanging with myself should be okay.
I want to exercise and be more active. Got the fit book so I can keep track of it. It's time and even if I struggle some days, it's not good enough to give up anymore. It will become my life. I'm ready.
I want to travel more. This kinda goes back to money, but there are so many ways to do this now that I shouldn't have any excuses.
I want to write more. I need to manage my time better to write, take photos, draw, play piano, crochet, craft, homework, and everything I want to do. When I don't get to do them, I get sad, but it's my own fault. I netflix binge, but I am okay to not watch much of anything until I do everything else. I can crochet and craft and even draw while I watch tv so multitasking here I come! I'll plan out every hour so I can stick to it.
I want to take more photos. Go for more walks. I want to do travel photography too!
I want to draw more. Yup.
I want to play piano more. Set up keyboard in room after Brent moves his things out. I'm ready for my own place.
I want to skydive. Why don't I? I've been waiting for someone to go with me, but why don't I go alone? Why do I always want someone there with me?
I want to have a house with a yard for dogs. I'm rebuilding my credit and will keep looking for something to call home. Not sure if it will be here or in Tx or where, but I know I will have a yard.
I want a craft room. Soon as I get my house, I'll have my own room for crafts. And organize it too! Or maybe the garage with all the rest of the tools and such.
I want to be able to afford it all, or be taken care of financially. Financial peace is a great state of mind. I'm ready for it. Dave Ramsey here I come!
Day 2: What do I want out of my life? How do I make sure I get it?
Well, I want to work with animals. I want to finish school. I want to be happy. I want to go to church more. I want to be financially secure and not worry all the time. I want to start a family. I want to rescue animals. I want to be in love, utterly and completely. I want someone to fight for me. I want someone to not give up. I want the hollywood romance. I want to not be depressed every day. I want to exercise and be more active. I want to travel more. I want to write more. I want to take more photos. I want to draw more. I want to play piano more. I want to skydive. I want to have a house with a yard for dogs. I want a craft room. I want to be able to afford it all, or be taken care of financially.
How do I make sure I get it? Well, it's not handed to me, that's for sure. Let's break it down.
I want to work with animals. Okay, so be a vet? That's what I used to want but I can't afford to be a resident. I can try and make it work. Otherwise I just want to work with exotic animals and manage them all day and when something goes wrong, I can just go pet a tiger.
I want to finish school. Working on it. I keep trying to get done sooner, but then take on too much and overwhelm myself and not doing well or dropping courses. Now I have a plan to do 1 hard class, such as all the science courses, and then a fun for me class, such as drawing. I think I'm going to try painting because I was never any good at it except in elementary school when I won an award for it and my painting was displayed in restaurants across the state. I guess maybe I was good at it, but something stopped me. Hmmm......I remember in 3rd or 4th grade Liz Koehler stole my idea of painting what comes to your mind when you hear this one classical piece. I said ice skating elegantly. She painted that, so I drew leaves floating. I guess I got too angry and stopped painting after that. Time to see if I really like it or not. I tried the wine and paint, which was fun, but I was never satisfied with my finished product. I am now and it's in my room. We'll see.
I want to be happy. I have to recognize my triggers and not just with food. I need to recognize my triggers in my brain and turn to God and something positive. It will be hard, but I know I can do it. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am worth it. After growing up thinking I wasn't, it's hard to believe that I am, but now I KNOW that I am. I know I create my own happiness and not to look for it in others, but I'm hoping that my happiness will bring someone I can share happiness with.
I want to go to church more. Okay, this one is like yesterday. GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED! I have the best intentions to go, but the follow through is horrible! It's with everything I do! When I'm home and in bed, I don't want to leave. If I have to go home and get my work out clothes, I won't leave the house again. I don't want to rely on anyone, but if someone isn't there to go with me to church, I will most likely not go. Sure, I'll listen online, but it's not the same. I think its because my mom and sister stopped going when I was in middle school and I only went with my friends. Over time we all just stopped going regularly and it became habit that I should only go to church with friends and family. Its time to change that. I need to wake up earlier on Sundays and sit and pray. Usually when I get in the praise and worship mood, I can keep it up for a while, or long enough to get me to church.
I want to be financially secure and not worry all the time. Debts are being paid off, bankruptcy is almost a year over, and I need to quit spending. I make so much more than when I first started out and I'm still broke AF. Why? I spend to make myself feel better. Well, I'm done with that. Time to get rid of things in my life, and not just material things. Time to get rid of my bad habits, such as buying for happiness. I've started my savings although I used it today to buy dog food, I need to keep a better budget and stick with it. I also need to let my friends and family know that I won't be participating in gift giving this year and to not get me anything. Put $1,000 in savings first, and then keep saving as I go. Having that emg fund will really help and relieves a lot of stress. Now I just need to not use it, or if I do then I need to put the money back.
I want to start a family. I need to lose weight and build my happiness to attract the right person to start a family with. Most importantly, I need to ask God to provide the family that he knows I want and that I know I deserve, or will be deserving.
I want to rescue animals. Not just go to the shelters, but have a room in my house to take care of them over time until they get fostered out. Like Chris Dolbee (Mr. Wonderful) does with rotts. He takes the ones that need medical help and heals them at his place until they are well enough for a forever home. I didn't even know you could do this until I met him. Sigh, he's so wonderful.
I want to be in love, utterly and completely. I want the swooning everytime he's near. I did that to Dolbee and I felt foolish. Everytime he got near to me I couldn't think straight. It got to the point that I would walk away from him as he came closer just so I could talk. I want that again, please, Lord. It doesn't have to be him, because even though he is so incredibly wonderful, he doesn't want kids and I'm pretty sure he's happy with whom he's with. He bought her a bouquet of dragons. Stuffed dragons on stems. That's what I want. Someone like that.
I want someone to fight for me. That will understand my depression and will want to get to know me. Not physical fight, but fight to be part of my life. Court me, make me laugh, hold my hand, play board games with me, and when I push him away, which I'm sure I'll do sometimes, he'll fight to hold me close.
I want someone to not give up. Not give up on us. Ever.
I want the hollywood romance. The run after them in the airport to tell them they love them, the kiss in the rain, the communication of a healthy life with a healthy relationship.
I want to not be depressed every day. See above. Every time I have a thought of hurting myself, I need to change my thoughts to God and positive things. No matter how alone I feel, I know I am not alone and I know that I'm not that bad of a person to be around, so hanging with myself should be okay.
I want to exercise and be more active. Got the fit book so I can keep track of it. It's time and even if I struggle some days, it's not good enough to give up anymore. It will become my life. I'm ready.
I want to travel more. This kinda goes back to money, but there are so many ways to do this now that I shouldn't have any excuses.
I want to write more. I need to manage my time better to write, take photos, draw, play piano, crochet, craft, homework, and everything I want to do. When I don't get to do them, I get sad, but it's my own fault. I netflix binge, but I am okay to not watch much of anything until I do everything else. I can crochet and craft and even draw while I watch tv so multitasking here I come! I'll plan out every hour so I can stick to it.
I want to take more photos. Go for more walks. I want to do travel photography too!
I want to draw more. Yup.
I want to play piano more. Set up keyboard in room after Brent moves his things out. I'm ready for my own place.
I want to skydive. Why don't I? I've been waiting for someone to go with me, but why don't I go alone? Why do I always want someone there with me?
I want to have a house with a yard for dogs. I'm rebuilding my credit and will keep looking for something to call home. Not sure if it will be here or in Tx or where, but I know I will have a yard.
I want a craft room. Soon as I get my house, I'll have my own room for crafts. And organize it too! Or maybe the garage with all the rest of the tools and such.
I want to be able to afford it all, or be taken care of financially. Financial peace is a great state of mind. I'm ready for it. Dave Ramsey here I come!
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Day 1 emotional eating
My biggest barrier to weight loss is getting up and doing it. I think it's the same for everything in my life. I get excited to do something but when it comes down to it, I let my thoughts get in the way. Oh and the deeepression! Of course I want a clean house, but the thought of cleaning overwhelms me so much that I dont always do it. Same with exercise. I love sports and going out to be active, but doing it all overwhelms me. I think I need to take 1 day at a time, as it were. Don't think ahead, just think about today and put in the work for today. Saturday I was so low and so depressed I took the rest of my bottle of xanax. I knew it wouldn't kill me, but I partially didn't want to wake up. Well, today is a new day and today I choose to do better. Today I choose make better choices. I ordered a fitness and food tracker. It will become my Bible, after the actual Bible of course. I need God in my life and I'm ready for the changes He will bring and the changes we will make together. Nothing but motivational music, inspirational quotes, and being active one day at a time. Today I choose to live.
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Arrrrggg!
Well that was probably not a great idea. Not only did I not last even going home (fighting with boyfriend and I eat my feelings) but I also have so many dinner plans this weekend that I probably shouldn't fast right now. I guess I need to start thinking ahead.
My heart hurts today. Part of me wants to break up with my boyfriend and part of me wants to stay with him. I don't know if there is better out there. I've never found it or seen it. But can this be all there is? He's so immature and childish. I don't think I can do it anymore. I am ready for my own place, near campus, where I can just be with my animals. Why do I need a family and a house right now? Why am I comparing my life to someone else's timeline? Why do I choose these situations and then fight to stay in them? Lord, help me!
My heart hurts today. Part of me wants to break up with my boyfriend and part of me wants to stay with him. I don't know if there is better out there. I've never found it or seen it. But can this be all there is? He's so immature and childish. I don't think I can do it anymore. I am ready for my own place, near campus, where I can just be with my animals. Why do I need a family and a house right now? Why am I comparing my life to someone else's timeline? Why do I choose these situations and then fight to stay in them? Lord, help me!
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Welcome back?
Well, I guess it's been a while. Guess I put it on the back burner and let it simmer for a few years.
I don't want to recap much-divorce, move to MN, fet community, working at the UMN and going to school there, brother in law overdosed 3 months ago, its just hard sometimes. SSDD.
I'm just going to pick up my life like you already know everything.
I'm thinking of fasting. Like, seriously fasting for weeks on end. Not just for weight loss, but to detox my body. I want to get rid of these toxins, be healthy, and not have the fat be the first thing my body turns into. That donut I had today, yeah, I'm a donut. Well, I had soup last so maybe I'm soup? Or just the round potato cut up into so many pieces that you can't help but find some useful way to store me. Well, I want autophagy. It's the body's natural process of killing off, eating up, or cleaning out bad cell matter that's built up in your body. I should have so much that I'll be able to survive the rest of the year on just water! I want the benefits of a clear mind and time to do things instead of worry about when and what I'm eating. I want to not be sick anymore. I'm tired of having sinus issues and I can't really afford the doctor over and over again, beni card or not. So, its time to take matters into my own chubby hands. Actually, my hands are still pretty thin. Those are one of the things that never really gained weight when everything else ballooned. I want to get deeper into my faith. I want to read the bible everytime I feel a hunger pain. I want to not feel guilty about my ex husband that he left me, but rather he left our situation. It still hurts. I'm done with the hurt and ready to get on with my life. I applied, and was approved, to go to a turtle conservatory in Bali. I was really excited, but now it feels like a pipe dream. Like I should save up first and then pay it all and go. What if I get pregnant? What if I don't lose the weight and am uncomfy the whole time I'm there? Or should I say fuck it and just do it? Why does it always have to be this hard?
Well, we'll see how this goes. I'm going to fast starting now. It is Day 0 at 6:58pm. Its amazing how much food is talked about on fb. Like sharing a recipe will actually make someone use the recipe, instead of show what types of food you like watching being made and will probably never make yourself. That's what pinterest is for! I actually use what I pin on pinterest. Or I try to. Not so much recipes but definately crafts.
Ok, DAY 0: I'll have to remind myself to not have coffee and to drink water. I'm always hungry though. I think I'm starving myself from life and fill it with food instead of living. I already have a headache so I guess I'll have to get used to that over the next few days.
Time to be productive and work on my budget. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Hopefully I'll become as optimistic as I am towards everyone else.
I don't want to recap much-divorce, move to MN, fet community, working at the UMN and going to school there, brother in law overdosed 3 months ago, its just hard sometimes. SSDD.
I'm just going to pick up my life like you already know everything.
I'm thinking of fasting. Like, seriously fasting for weeks on end. Not just for weight loss, but to detox my body. I want to get rid of these toxins, be healthy, and not have the fat be the first thing my body turns into. That donut I had today, yeah, I'm a donut. Well, I had soup last so maybe I'm soup? Or just the round potato cut up into so many pieces that you can't help but find some useful way to store me. Well, I want autophagy. It's the body's natural process of killing off, eating up, or cleaning out bad cell matter that's built up in your body. I should have so much that I'll be able to survive the rest of the year on just water! I want the benefits of a clear mind and time to do things instead of worry about when and what I'm eating. I want to not be sick anymore. I'm tired of having sinus issues and I can't really afford the doctor over and over again, beni card or not. So, its time to take matters into my own chubby hands. Actually, my hands are still pretty thin. Those are one of the things that never really gained weight when everything else ballooned. I want to get deeper into my faith. I want to read the bible everytime I feel a hunger pain. I want to not feel guilty about my ex husband that he left me, but rather he left our situation. It still hurts. I'm done with the hurt and ready to get on with my life. I applied, and was approved, to go to a turtle conservatory in Bali. I was really excited, but now it feels like a pipe dream. Like I should save up first and then pay it all and go. What if I get pregnant? What if I don't lose the weight and am uncomfy the whole time I'm there? Or should I say fuck it and just do it? Why does it always have to be this hard?
Well, we'll see how this goes. I'm going to fast starting now. It is Day 0 at 6:58pm. Its amazing how much food is talked about on fb. Like sharing a recipe will actually make someone use the recipe, instead of show what types of food you like watching being made and will probably never make yourself. That's what pinterest is for! I actually use what I pin on pinterest. Or I try to. Not so much recipes but definately crafts.
Ok, DAY 0: I'll have to remind myself to not have coffee and to drink water. I'm always hungry though. I think I'm starving myself from life and fill it with food instead of living. I already have a headache so I guess I'll have to get used to that over the next few days.
Time to be productive and work on my budget. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. Hopefully I'll become as optimistic as I am towards everyone else.
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